The begining is the end

nehW i rtsat ot riwet ym wodsr ti lal moesc uto ielk hist until my brains gets it together enough to  make it happen.  Its Sunday and in a week my Daughter will be gone.  She will fly back top the armpit of California and our relationship will be back to long-distance until I can make it out there to see her in a couple months.

Its Sunday, and in a week I will no longer live under my mother’s roof. It will have been 19months.  In the beginning it was only going to be 6-12months, And before that it was supposed to never ever happen again. I will no longer live in Clayton County. I’ll still be OTP but at least its on the north side.  Due to the end of my relationship I’ll be starting over with no furniture, for the second time…

Its Sunday, its also the end of July. Which is also around the time everything started to go to shit with my marriage. Hmm… It is what it is.

How does all that make me feel?

Angry, And you wont like me when I’m angry.  Ive made a lot of compromises in life.  Ive done a lot of sacrifice in order to make others happy. When I start to think about the custody in case in which i tried to get my daughter, I fall apart. Her mom was on meth, and had just been evicted from her apt. My daughter was sleeping on her aunts couch, her mom wasn’t working, and she evaded being served twice before finally showing up to court.  And she got custody. She lied, she got my witness to lie and the law sided with her. Now she lives her her Fiance.  He has 4 kids that he cares for full time, She had another kid with him (in addition to the one she had after my daughter)which brings the tally up to 3 adults (his mother lives with them) and 7 kids. My daughter still sleeps on a couch. I’m still paying my lawyer.

Georgia…. Georgia….Just that old sweet song…keeps Georgia on my mind. I fucking hate this place.  I moved to Atlanta in 1993. In 1998 I graduated High-School and a few months later I left. And I told myself that I would never live in Ga again.  9 years later, I came back. My wife at the time wanted to go to grad school and it wasn’t happening while we were living in San Francisco, so I told her if she could find a school in Atlanta, we could go and live with my mom till we got on our feet. She was down. We moved here, She started school, 8 or 9 months later things went to shit. Now I’m here, trapped in Atlanta due to the economy. Trapped in my moms place due to finances, my daughter visiting,  due to life being a bitch.  So what was supposed to be half a year turned into almost 2 years. And at the same time its made my relationship with my mom sour.

I don’t even want to get into my marriage and how any of that stuff went down. All I can say if I feel more like myself than ever.  Little things that I had decided I could live without I no longer have to. Its nice being able to do what you want.  Even simple things like getting tattooed again or stretching my ears back out. Not having to wonder if what I want to do is going to have an adverse effect on anyone other than me.

I feel more than anger, but it doesn’t matter if I’m sad, lonely, or happy when I start to think of what led to that feeling i can’t help but getting pissed off.   I think i do a damn good job of keeping it inside for the most part, I mean I haven’t punched any walls, or peoples faces so I think I’m doing OK.

Speaking of tattoos I got this a couple days ago.

Oh and I dig this song.

Thats all I got for now. This blog has steered from being bmx, skating, and  other-brother orientated to just me talking about my life. I’ll get it back on track one day but for now I gotta do what I want.